Counselling Blog | Counselling with Jackie

What is a dead bedroom?

A dead bedroom is when couples stop having sex for a long amount of time, from months to years. They become to exist at home a lot more like roommates, rather than romantic partners.

Why do couples stop having sex?

Why do couples get a dead bedroom?

Most couples attribute a dead bedroom to loss of feelings or attraction but that’s rarely the case.

Sex usually drops off a cliff because one or both people are deeply stressed. This could be from a big trauma like a car accident, or childbirth all the way through to lots of smaller traumas that build up over time, like narcissistic abuse, stress at work or the pressures of racing a family.

Our nervous system becomes very sensitive to the world around us in order to protect us from harm when we feel unsafe.

When the nervous system is busy “feeling out” for danger, it can’t cope with anything “extra” like intimate touch. It becomes highly sensitive and lives in fight or flight mode. It wants to survive – that’s all.

Your partner’s touch might start to feel like an electric shock rather than a comfort. They make you jump or the thought of sex makes your skin crawl (and you don’t know why).

This can bring about feelings of guilt for not satisfying your partner, or hopelessness that the relationship appears to be failing.

Intimacy and touch

Lots of people feel like their partner won’t give them attention without it being a sexual kind of touch. They can’t kiss or hug without a “grope”. When a partner already feels unsafe, this can be really upsetting, rather than enjoyable.

Perhaps you feel like your partner doesn’t give you any attention unless it’s “leading somewhere” and you feel used. Feeling used can make a lot of people close off and deny themselves and their partner sex. This is common when touch and intimacy feels “transactional” and ask f you “owe them” something.

When to see a relationship counsellor

I work with lots of couples who experience symptoms like a dead bedroom, lack of intimacy, constant bickering or simply start arguing all of time.

In my counselling room we do not talk about your sex life. It’s not necessary. Instead we look at ways to build communication, trust and happiness as a unit.

Guess what? When you have trust, intimacy sorts its self out.

Give me a call to book your trial session 07961 771 838

Jackie Jones
Counselling in Greatstone
07961 771 838
contact@counsellingwithjackie.co.uk

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What is an inner child?

For most of us in this world, something bad happens to us in our childhood.

As time goes on, that event lives as a fixed marker in our brains. It may dictate who we become, or how we act and feel in certain situations and relationships.

Our inner child is the young person we were, who learned lessons the hard way. They try to keep us safe, by showing us what to be afraid of, and when. This can become troublesome if your inner child because highly alert to lots of things it deems to be unsafe or dangerous. They ring alarm bells on our behalf.

One example could be being left behind in a shop by accident.

The sheer panic for some children thinking that “mummy isn’t coming back” can trigger massive fears of abandonment. We might not realise it until a certain situation, smell or place reminds us in adulthood. Those feelings can come flooding back to adult relationships and result in massive insecurities or self-sabotage.

a little girl reading a story book to her teddy in the garden

Childhood trauma shapes who we are as adults

A wounded inner child can undermine our lives as adults.

Healing the inner child allows people to let go of worries and hurt that might have been hijacking their lives for years – if not decades.

It’s not about re-living childhood trauma in a way that might damage us further.

Instead, this kind of healing is about understanding and processing past experiences to foster a healthier, more present relationship with ourselves and others.

Tips for healing your inner child

I encourage many of my clients to do things with their time that their inner child would feel is a real treat – going to the beach for an Ince cream, watching their favourite TV show, or colouring in. Play, creativity and self care allow for that inner child to feel nurtured, liberated and cared for – perhaps in ways that were absent at the time.

When to see a counsellor

If you find yourself constantly stressed, quick to feel rage or brought to very tears easily, we should talk.

I always encourage my clients to book a trial session to begin with. This gives you a chance to feel less pressure in the session. I am available on telephone appointments, video chat as well as in person. Please give me a call to book your session.

I’m ready when you are.

Jackie Jones
Counselling in Greatstone
07961 771 838
contact@counsellingwithjackie.co.uk
www.counsellingwithjackie.co.uk